While I have silently been thinking of ways to put all of this in words, my life seems to be coming apart at the seams. This may sound dramatic to most, but it really is how I have been feeling the past two weeks. As my close friend says, bad things happen in 3's (you know who you are)...
After our joyous appointment two weeks ago, I felt confident and sure about where my life would be in the coming weeks, months, years even. It felt SO good to share our journey and plans with our family and friends. Now I sit here, feeling the pain in my stomach as if I was punched, gasping for breath as if I were at an altitude of 15,000 feet, standing at the edge of a cliff, waiting to fall or fly...
When I called to schedule a freezing for Ian's sperm last week (with the intention to use as a backup for when we got to the day of egg retrieval in the rare case Ian was shooting blanks that day), the lab tech asked me an interesting question... "Why would we save this?" As panic set in and I explained our plans again, she informed me there was nothing there to save. I couldn't grasp the thought, "wait, what are you telling me?!? My specialist saw this report, the IVF coordinator saw this report; why am I hearing this for the first time from you?" She skirted the questions and said she would have someone call me the next day.
I sat in panic, holding my breath, trying to figure out why this happened, and convinced myself it was a mistake until noon the next day. The IVF coordinator called me and gently told me that my specialist had made a mistake... she had mis-read the report. BUT- there was hope, maybe it was a fluke, maybe it was mishandled in the lab, there were a million reasons running through my mind that had caused Ian's sperm to go from usable to un-usable.
So, we re-grouped and went for another analysis; we were quietly optimistic, thinking for sure that the previous sample was a fluke. Someone doesn't go from having sperm with movement to having none in three months.. When my phone rang later that same day, I knew it wasn't good. Our specialist informed us that, again, Ian's sperm was unusable. Can I just say - DEVASTATION. Why? We were ready - work schedules arranged, emotions arranged, thought processes arranged. How can this be happening??
She discussed with us some other options available and we are clinging to one last hope - sperm aspiration directly from the source. At this point, everything is on hold (again). A Urologist will do the procedure at out fertility clinic and tell us (1) if there is any sperm that is alive, mature, and moving and (2) if it could survive a freezing and actually be implanted into an egg to make an embryo and eventual baby. I still feel like I am holding my breath to say the least.
As the icing on the cake (and to tie in the matter of bad happening in 3's), an axe fell out of the fire truck at about 5 feet and broke a few bones in Ian's foot. The sunny side to this story is that he still has all of his toes (phew) and the fractures are non-surgical. He is off work for a couple weeks and is using crutches with a stabilizing boot until his bones fuse together on their own. So, needless to say, he is keeping me (and my mind) busy.
Lastly, we got the ______ (insert adjective here) news that Michelle got a great job in Seattle and will be moving mid-March. WAAAAA! I mean YAAAA! She is really looking forward to the change and we are all so proud of her bravery. I can't put into words how much we are going to miss her, especially during this time, but this is another post entirely.
Our families and friends have really been our supporting force through all of this emotional turmoil and we acknowledge that we can't do any of this alone. I hope everyone knows how much Ian and I appreciate your support and encouragement and we have faith that our dreams WILL come to fruition.
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